On Turning Forty

I'm taking a moment to reflect on what it feels to be reaching forty.

I have more courage in admitting my physical age. After all, every year that is added to my life is enough to be thankful.

I did not choose the year nor the month I was born. I am certain my parents did not expect someone like me coming into this world, but I sure hope that they have been thankful for having me even up to now.

I wish I could feel less regret for all the troubles that I went through. However, I do not question the idea that I did not experience every hurt or heartbreak, shame, or disappointment for no reason. I just have to believe that the reason behind each trial was good.

I wish I could feel more appreciative of every good thing that happened in my life or that I was given. I want to quit thinking that there were other good things that I was not meant to have. I am talking about dreams that I had to give up, paths that I had to forego.

In spite of all this, I still have my insights, imagination, and most of all, my inspiration to explore many other possibilities. Hence, bigger dreams, or rather, a vision in life that would not be limited to myself as an individual.

I am learning more about love, and what it means to be unconditional. I am aware that the deficit that I occasionally feel cannot be filled by the love of a significant other. In those moments that I was focused on finding that one kind of love, I almost forget that there is an abundance of love pouring out from the closest of friends and my family. The question of how much is a simple matter of give and take.

Regarding love, I am reminded that I need to love myself a little more, as well as keep on believing that Someone Much Greater has loved me first. Now to understand how much is a matter of looking beyond my existence.

It helps to take note of how beautifully He made this world. Every sunrise, sunset, the colorful translucence of the sea, the rusty hues of fall foliage, the soothing sound of rain and the sight of rainbows, the rush of waterfalls, the winsome smile of my daughter, the adoring attention of my pets --- each of which I thoroughly enjoy --- I am humbled when I realize that God placed them there because of the joy it brings me (or humankind for that matter).

As for taking on yet another chance of falling in love, well, I was asked by someone a couple of times on that. I am basking in the fragrance of the garden of friendship. True, one can find many flowers, but my eye is fixed on a particular blossom that needs some tending to. It's time my friend asks the right question.

In terms of the talents that I was given, I am a bit disappointed at how I have not used them so much. I do not look forward to getting on in my years regretting that I never framed any of my drawings, or painted a masterpiece, learned to play music better and bring it up to a level good enough to write a song, shared my poems or essays, or published that love story I began writing (but never quite finished) when I was 14. But as I am learning how to live life in an uncomplicated manner, I will definitely take the time to unearth these talents one by one.

I'd like to stop simply feeling sorry for those who are stricken with misfortune and find ways of significantly helping them, to be more sincere, generous, and encouraging. In the face of the disasters that are yet to come, I don't want to be satisfied with just ensuring my own family's comfort and safety.

I am not going to look back at the last forty years and focus on what I would have liked to change. I have accepted all that and not hold anyone responsible for the outcome, not even myself. They all happened for a reason.

I am still here for a reason, and I am beginning to get it all figured out.