Simply Living

Early this year, I created a page on Facebook, "Simply Living", to share some of my own thoughts on making the most of the life I now live by focusing on the things that matter to me.

As I look back over the last few months, I can't help but feel grateful at how my life has moved forward in leaps and strides.

My contentment keeps growing every single day.

A Still From 20 Years Ago

There was a time when I had the patience to spend all those hours to develop film and print positives in the darkroom. Now I can't help wincing at how slow a few seconds can seem as I wait for my scanner to duplicate the images for the same photos.

From the start, I have always loved taking pictures of people's facial expressions and the things that they do. I loved it so much that I took up Basic Photography twice while in college. With a meager student allowance, I bought film and photo paper and coaxed friends into agreeing to pose for me. The dream of having my own darkroom was hindered by the fact that photography was such an expensive hobby (and it STILL is).

My old Canon AE1 (SLR...without the D, mind you) has long been retired. I've lost my old tripod and lighting equipment. Though I started to use digital cameras only in 2006, it was only just recently that I felt I wanted to do more than just take pictures during get togethers and while on vacation. I want to learn all over again to work with images that speak, or more precisely, paint a thousand words.

This picture was taken by the official still man during the production phase of a film project in 1993. It was part of my summer internship at University of the Philippines. I didn't know that he took my picture until one day I was handed the print.

My affair with photography has been so far... an affair. But it would be counted among the first loves worth going back to. For someone with a passion for life (typical of anyone born under my sign - Scorpio), taking photos would always ensure that every moment that we want to hold on to would remain in our memory, digital included.

On Turning Forty

I'm taking a moment to reflect on what it feels to be reaching forty.

I have more courage in admitting my physical age. After all, every year that is added to my life is enough to be thankful.

I did not choose the year nor the month I was born. I am certain my parents did not expect someone like me coming into this world, but I sure hope that they have been thankful for having me even up to now.

I wish I could feel less regret for all the troubles that I went through. However, I do not question the idea that I did not experience every hurt or heartbreak, shame, or disappointment for no reason. I just have to believe that the reason behind each trial was good.

I wish I could feel more appreciative of every good thing that happened in my life or that I was given. I want to quit thinking that there were other good things that I was not meant to have. I am talking about dreams that I had to give up, paths that I had to forego.

In spite of all this, I still have my insights, imagination, and most of all, my inspiration to explore many other possibilities. Hence, bigger dreams, or rather, a vision in life that would not be limited to myself as an individual.

I am learning more about love, and what it means to be unconditional. I am aware that the deficit that I occasionally feel cannot be filled by the love of a significant other. In those moments that I was focused on finding that one kind of love, I almost forget that there is an abundance of love pouring out from the closest of friends and my family. The question of how much is a simple matter of give and take.

Regarding love, I am reminded that I need to love myself a little more, as well as keep on believing that Someone Much Greater has loved me first. Now to understand how much is a matter of looking beyond my existence.

It helps to take note of how beautifully He made this world. Every sunrise, sunset, the colorful translucence of the sea, the rusty hues of fall foliage, the soothing sound of rain and the sight of rainbows, the rush of waterfalls, the winsome smile of my daughter, the adoring attention of my pets --- each of which I thoroughly enjoy --- I am humbled when I realize that God placed them there because of the joy it brings me (or humankind for that matter).

As for taking on yet another chance of falling in love, well, I was asked by someone a couple of times on that. I am basking in the fragrance of the garden of friendship. True, one can find many flowers, but my eye is fixed on a particular blossom that needs some tending to. It's time my friend asks the right question.

In terms of the talents that I was given, I am a bit disappointed at how I have not used them so much. I do not look forward to getting on in my years regretting that I never framed any of my drawings, or painted a masterpiece, learned to play music better and bring it up to a level good enough to write a song, shared my poems or essays, or published that love story I began writing (but never quite finished) when I was 14. But as I am learning how to live life in an uncomplicated manner, I will definitely take the time to unearth these talents one by one.

I'd like to stop simply feeling sorry for those who are stricken with misfortune and find ways of significantly helping them, to be more sincere, generous, and encouraging. In the face of the disasters that are yet to come, I don't want to be satisfied with just ensuring my own family's comfort and safety.

I am not going to look back at the last forty years and focus on what I would have liked to change. I have accepted all that and not hold anyone responsible for the outcome, not even myself. They all happened for a reason.

I am still here for a reason, and I am beginning to get it all figured out.

July 1973

Story of "My Life"

Life begins at 40, people always say, and it is with this view that I evaluate my gains, successes, and yes, my failures in the hope that when the big four-oh begins I would have a better picture of what I'd like my life to be.

If my life were a TV series, this would be my review.

To give you the lowdown on the series called "My Life", my leading man of 12 years had already left the show for good. There were other unforgettable tearjerkers, such as the loss of the firstborn at the start of the marriage and years before that, the giving up on the hope of realizing my big dream in another country during my bachelorette days.

In the last two years, I've portrayed my dual-role as a single mother to a tweener and a full-time career woman in seemingly unremarkable episodes that were occasionally saved by cameo guest appearances. I am thankful that my co-stars never failed to remind me that the show must go on no matter what.

Things turned around when 2O11's brand new season saw incremental changes in the storyline, starting with an unexpected source of inspiration. And life was reborn, with the theme, "redemption".

My dear loyal supporters, the ones who have stayed around, were more than pleased. And with the show's new direction, people are expecting changes...will the now-liberated heroine throw a huge party for her friends to celebrate the milestone, blowing out candles on a cake that says “40 and a little bit naughty”?

In the meantime, I've embarked on a minor reinvention of my screen image, favoring an uneven messed-up shorter style and updated make-up. There is NO WAY I will follow in the footsteps of matrons with their distinctive vacuum-sealed expressions concealed by heavy makeup or uncoordinated outfits highlighting convex figures.

In a business where agelessness exacts a hefty price, I have to remember that a personal enhancement program or health maintenance routines can be justified. If do not consider the initiative worth my investment, then how could I expect to fulfill the things that I am interested in but I haven't tried?

If I were to take up pole dancing, climb another mountain, swim alongside a whale shark, publish my writings, start a business, go on a volunteer vacation, produce documentaries or assemble a desktop computer from scratch, I'd do whatever it takes to defy aging. I'd rather live the rest of my days trying, instead of being trapped in a mindset that would banish me and my dreams to some gloomy corner in a squeaky rocking chair.

I would even defy conventions and explore a new approach to my role as a cougar when a new love interest enters the scene. Should the ratings surge, maybe the season finale might feature a second-time blushing bride.

Well, maybe it's a tad too early for that idea to be finally written in the script. After all, I need to remind myself that I do not write it, and that I take my instructions from my Director. Since it is never His protocol to allow retakes, He never lets the cameras roll until He is certain that I am in character. I may be in the spotlight, but it is HIS SHOW, classified under inspirational drama that promotes human value.

On and on, my story will go, with the yin and yang, light and darkness, with lessons from the past as well as insights that will help me move it forward.

It’s never too late to become what I might have been. So life, just like the show, must go on.

Moving On with 'Moving On'

Took a trip down memory lane once again,though this time it happened quite unplanned on a Friday night when a friend from a distant past invited me over for an intimate post-birthday get-together. She and I had already started catching up on FB, and then months ago met up at a reunion with schoolmates. Even on such short notice, I couldn't pass up the chance to reconnect with another friend whom I hadn't seen since our chance run-in back in college.

I had but spent two years studying at the same school with them; on the other hand, my two friends graduated from high school together and had been a part of each other's lives for a lot longer, hence more familair with each other's histories of ups and downs.

Over heaps of pasta and nibbles of chocolates at my host's cozy condo unit, we caught up with what was going on with our other friends, laughed when we couldn't uncork the bottle of Beaujolais, posed for group shots, remembering at the same time an old photo of us when we were in the third grade. There was that funny moment where no one could recall whose little brother posed with us in the picture. We filled in the gaps for each other whenever trivial details were left out or mixed up. In the end we decided to let forgetfulness carry us through a profusion of memories. This is the year where we were all turning forty and we had just begun reflecting on life, each of us in varying degrees of transition.

After I gave an account of my post-marriage life, my host asked if I had moved on, maybe more than once. I said 'yes', though for an instant I pondered whether my response held a genuine conviction and was not merely self-motivating talk.

To me, "moving on" is a journey. At the far end of the continuum was my grappling with the realization of the loss of shared dreams and commitments, my rage as a woman scorned --- which fury hell hath no (borrowing Jack Sparrow's line). With the passing of time I am spared with a sanity that remains intact and faith that continues to grow. Under the current circumstances I am pushed to balance personal ambition and the obligations of being a single parent and a career woman.

Occasionally, I get stuck with anger or blame along the way, or grow restless to fill the void left by an unfaithful soul mate. However, once I am in the company of other women who have gone through a similar experience, I regain my focus. As with my numerous reunions with female friends as of late, the bonding with these two caring women revived and nurtured.


And so I added, I am in the middle of getting my life back on track. In fact, I made a step past moving on and instead, moved FORWARD, as I talk about my growing fondness for a male friend who acted as my stormbreaker. No need to label the relationship at the moment, I told them, but it was enough that finally I am beginning to feel alive and hopeful that better things can still and WILL unfold wherever the journey goes.

Who knows? Perhaps next time, our dinner conversation will overflow with scoops a of a budding romance.

Why Do Women Need Makeup?

Sometimes I wonder why as we get older, we women choose to complicate our everyday lives obsessing with how we look. A photographer blogs about his observations in a straightforward enough manner (which is what I'd expect from a guy), and I find myself agreeing with him. Just as he said, at the end of the day, men don't complain for as long as it makes them turn their heads.

Woman in Red - Makeup by Dave Beckerman


The more I learned about what women go through, just to get out of the house, the more I began to believe that if I had been born a woman, I would have had a very tough time getting anything done.

I have enough trouble just trimming my beard every once in a while and all my clothes are the same - jeans and tee-shirts.

Tomorrow, for example, I need to go to a birthday party, and already I'm in trouble because my one pair of "good pants" - well let's say they are seriously crumpled. And I need a hair-cut. And there's a host of stuff that I've put off while I've been doing my work.

And then put on top of that all the other things that they are responsible for - and I can honestly say that I just don't see how I could get anything creative done.

Obviously, since there have been great women artists - there's a way to do it. But I think that if you jump back two hundred years - I don't know that there were many women artists back then. Were there?

Can you imagine living in a world where it took over two hours to get dressed for a party. I used to wonder, as a kid why my mom was always late for everything. When I grew up I found out.

All my dad had to do was put on his suit, maybe brush his teeth and shower and voila. But women, especially at a certain age, are forced by society to be actresses and play roles that are just so time-consuming, and frankly - superficial.

Now in real life, I don't complain about this. I see a beautiful woman and my head turns just like it always did.

Do you know what the fashion and cosmetic business pulls in every year? I'm not saying that there aren't some men that go through a similar process but it's mostly the face and hair that's got to be groomed.

With a woman - it seems to be every single part of her body. In other words - every potentially erogenous zone (I think that's what they used to be called) has to be taken care of. I won't name them all - but from nails to bust to eyes, nose, hair, fingers, toes, etc. etc. What a job.

And sometimes I see that even a large pocketbook isn't enough to carry the paint and brushes around.

I was fascinated by this for a while, and just kept a lookout for women putting on their makeup on the subway each morning. It's enough for an album.

Well anyway - those are my thoughts. Not sure if they are P.C. - probably not - but it's too late to think about that and I've got to get to sleep.

I did a shoot today of a woman, and watching her fix her makeup between each shot (which I am glad she did because the pictures turned out beautiful and no I won't post them now - not without her permission) - but like I say, I would have made a bad job of it.

Peace and (Dis)order

The recent rains prompted me to go through the stuff I have been keeping in storage for, well, goodness knows how long...

I could have easily tossed out all the excess files in the trash can that morning, but as usual, curiosity and the urge to browse slowed down the sorting process and I was once again looking at the mountain of paper that become a haven to bookworms, silverfish, and 'dust bunnies'.

I focused on the contents of a shelving unit that stood in the corner. There were some novels that were handed down by my mother (a voracious reader who has more time to enjoy at her stage in life at past prime) and several inspirational books that I picked up from book sales over the years.

...then I noted in dismay that there must be at least two more boxes of books that I haven't brought out since we moved to this apartment more than a year ago...

I ended up moving my modest collection(s) of magazines to my bedroom. I had one set that was on travelling, another that was a year's subscription of National Geographic, another on home decorating, and yet another on the fascinating stories of high society. Though I scarcely read through an entire issue at a time, I keep the magazines for an occasional dose of light reading.

I lingered on the huge pile of documents and miscellaneous files, all sorted in folders and binders. They should have been properly kept in a metal filing cabinet, but I decided against getting one since I was so convinced that I could keep the paper stream under control.

The subjects of scrutiny were: training manuals from the courses I delivered or developed when I was working for a call center, modules on coaching and leadership development, materials from the conferences and seminars I attended as a delegate from time to time, excess worksheets and lesson outlines from the years that I worked as an ESL instructor (there were essays written by my students, photocopied sections from references such as textbook and academic journals, notes and handouts from my French, Spanish, and Italian classes conducted by my co-instructors).

I even dug up materials from my university days: term papers, copies from required readings, a published script from "The Apartment", film critiques, shooting guides. As I went through them I recalled discussions from discourse analysis exercises in class.

Even after tossing out a basketful of paper, I still felt that resistance to part with the contents of the remaining folders, which are research materials and references. One would think there should be less need for hard copies what with search engines and wikis --- but I reasoned I could never completely trust anything that’s copy-pasted or inadequately researched.

I feel a sense of calm whenever I sit down to sort things. There is something comfortingly familiar about flipping through pages that open a wealth of knowledge, insight, and even memories. Skimming through files felt like opening tiny drawers in my head and letting ideas leap at me like the little critters that were agitated by my sorting.

Another day was ending, and it looked like the decluttering chore was just starting. In the battle for control over the physical chaos housed in this 12’ by 8’ utility-cum-guest room, I realize that the 'hoarding instinct' is a long, long way from surrendering.

Facing Myself in Facebook

Taking quizzes is among the things I liked doing on Facebook (well, when quizzes were still in). Here, I am posting some of the results that I got, and I must say that they don't sound that far away from the truth...

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The Stripping Down Test

Result: You Are Observant in Life - You are serious and stable. You are a bit of a perfectionist, and you like structure.
You are the happiest when you are planning and dreaming. You like to live in the future.
You are sensitive and considerate. You are always putting other people's needs before your own.
You are adventurous and constantly seeking. You feel like you still have a lot to learn about yourself.

Are You One in a Million?

There are approximately 424,166 people with the last name R-----. This Surname ranks the 42 most common in the United States. There are an estimated 215,901 Females with the last name "R-----". It is further estimated that there are about 29 Females with the exact name, C----- R-----.


What Does Your Mind Look Like?

Your mind is like The Deep Ocean. You are always active, but aren’t easy to get to know. Once people do, they see a clever but relaxed person. Many people look up to you, you're a hard worker, don’t waste time and are loyal to those close to you.


Que movimiento de la Historia Del Artes eres?

Eres Impresionismo - Buscas el completo rompimiento con lo clásico, lo estructurado, lo establecido. Eres un gran observador de los fenómenos de la naturaleza, a la que te vuelcas insistentemente; la forma en la que percibes la luz es todo en tu vida. Muestras también, gran interés en los aspectos espontáneos de lo cotidiano, eres sensible y perspectivo, aunque la sensación de las cosas es lo más importante para ti.


What Is Your Inner Self Saying?

Result: You’re a very unhappy person. Sad nearly all the time. Nothing makes you happy. You seem to always be in a funk and never want to join in with others. Happiness isn't something you look for, you just accept that you're alone, and that's that.


What Song Illustrates Your Life?

Result: Aretha Franklin - "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"!

Is that too much to ask? You work hard, live hard, but don't get what really should be coming your way. Right? Right. You bring in the cash, you bring on the laughs, you even fix the office's photo copier. Recognition? Of course not. Raise? No way. Appreciation? Forget it. Why bother even taking the quiz if no one will be slightly interested in seeing your result. Ask for what you want. Remember, you're the man (or woman)! Just a little bit...I can hear you humming the tune already!


Love And Life Via Date of Birth

Results:

Your Life : You are always surrounded by a circle of friends. You are friendly and fun to be with. Although you occasionally disappoint them by being stubborn, but over all, they love your qualities.

Your Love : You want to have full control of your love and that's not a nice way to treat your partner. You take your time in saying yes to his wedding proposal or if you are a man, you will not propose anyone until you are certainly confident which might take ages.


Are you a Woman or a Man?

Result: Woman! Congratulations! You are a typical woman who enjoys shopping, guys, and free meals! Be proud of yourself.. unless you are a man who got this result. Then I would seriously suggest changing up your life style.


What Kind of Mom are You

Result: Middle of the road kind of gal - You're really the most ideal kind of mom to have - You're not too strict, you're not too loose. The kids know how to have fun at a playdate, and you're not ripping out your hair worrying all of the time about airborn germs and fingerprints. You keep your kids clean and well maintained yet they have fun getting dirty too. You keep your house picked up, but you don't have a home air purifier system and sanitizing wipes stashed in every nook and cranny. Your kids play well with others because they have manners but they're also relaxed enough to make friends. Good for you!


"Which Crazy Bitch Are You?"

Result: Sinead O'Connor. - You are one fierce bitch. You are very independent and will take no bullshit from anyone but your personality is actually sort of quiet and shy. You are a natural beauty and you are very comfortable with your feminity. You don't feel the need to overdo it or go out of your way to fuss over your looks. You don't want to distract people from what you stand for and the talents you possess. You are very idealistic and will go to any extremes to stand up for what you believe in even if it creates controversy and people don't understand. Relationships can be hard for you sometimes because men feel threatened by you but time again they come running to you and realize that you are actually very sweet and motherly....until they cross you.


"Are You Clinically Insane?"

Result: Bipolar. - Ever wondered why you're so moody? You experience days or weeks of paralyzing, cheeto-binging depression, then a week of frenzied, hyperactive, ridiculously irresponsible behavior characterized by wild thoughts, sleepless nights, maxing out credit cards, having unprotected sex with dozens of strangers... or shaving your head and attacking the paparazzi with an umbrella. Some might call that chemically imbalanced... others call it "passionate" or blame it on the "artistic temperament". Whatever you call it, you could do with some balance... and Abilify..


Which Type of Woman Are You?

Result: Lovely Lady - You are lovely and caring. You help others and spread out a lot of sympathy. Your life aim maybe is to serve the people. But your weakness is that you forget about yourself, your own needs. All your time is hold back for your friends and family. You are always there for people in trouble. Ready for any emergency. You make a lot of sacrifices just to be a good human. But every woman has her needs, her longings and a destiny. Don't lose yourself in work or curing other people's souls. You will have your own problems in your life. Another problem is that you don't say your opinion when it's right and important to say it. People trample onto your soul if you are always so kind and lovely and helpful. They will play on you. Though you should try to relax more and enjoy your life, you should not lose the gift that was given to you to help others . Not everyone is created this way... You are unique and rare!


What Are You Born To Do?

Result: natural instinct - Tell us the truth... when you were a kid you played the detective game more than any other games and you were always the detective. Whether you are a private investigator or a govt. agent you will be the top of your field...you have a natural instinct which helps you to understand and look at it from a different angle than everyone else

Over the Borderline

It never fails. Whenever I hear Madonna's 'Borderline', no matter how old or how often they play the song to death, I find myself singing along with it. And I'd grin sheepishly at the thought that this gesture is a giveaway for anyone who'd take a guess at my age.

I was about thirteen then, and I still remember dancing to this song at someone's birthday party --- no, not the kind that had balloons and a magic show, but one that had flashing strobe lights and a mobile DJ. Come to think of it, the term 'mobile' had nothing to do with cellular phones back in the day. Anyway, that was when I could outstay anyone on the dance floor, with nothing but the high of being out-and-about coursing through my barely 100-pound frame. No alcohol required (I wouldn't be having my first alcoholic drink until five years later). The high would continue whenever we'd play our favorite music out of mixtapes and would track the songs' rise on the music charts. We didn't 'shuffle' tracks, instead we'd set the audiocassette player on auto-reverse to keep the sounds going.

My teenhood began with Madonna, along with the other eighties new wave artists, with my 'coming of age' being simply marked by a trendy haircut and pair of dangling earrings. I was among the few girls who'd wear eyeliner during my high school freshman year.

During those days there was no Facebook --- well, to be precise about it, in that same year 'Borderline' was released, the famous Facebook co-creator was born. Kids in those days hung out at home or played video games at the arcade. I'm sure there were a lot of other things that teenagers did at that time, but I happened to have hung out with the 'good kids'.'Social networking' for us was a face-to-face activity --- although some would take this a little farther and exchange first kisses in the dark after a party. Kids do that, too, nowadays, right? But in our time no one would broadcast it on a shoutout, tagline, or status.

I really do get a real kick out of singing "Borderline...feels like I'm going to lose my mind," which to me is a way of admitting you're head-over-heels crazy about someone. Hmmm...I think singing more of Madonna's songs while striving to remember what it used to feel like as a love-smitten teenager MIGHT actually be a healthy remedy for someone like me who, sadly, has come to a point of sour-graping and indulging in mortifying doses of 'emo'.

Moving Out, Moving On

Though having moved houses so many times in my entire life, it was the most recent move that brought me through so much sadness, anger, frustration, and loathing. Never had sorting and organizing become so taxing as I went through 12 years of marriage represented by photo albums and frames, old cards and letters, wedding gifts, wedding anniversary gifts, and personal stuff my ex husband left behind.

Among the things I discarded include a kicking foam pad used for muay thai practice, a few formal outfits (one of which was his coat worn at our wedding) and CD player that he won in a raffle at an office Christmas party.

From the kitchen, I tossed out mugs and plates that we had used back when it was just the two of us at home.

I've long held on to my daughter’s old things, but since I couldn’t risk having them waste away in storage, I carefully picked out a few but cherished items. As I went through my daughter’s old clothes, baby toys and board books, my mind sealed off the memories my ex husband and I shared in her early years and instead thought about how he’d no longer be around for her.

It’s been a year and a half since my daughter and I moved to new apartment after the breakup of my marriage. In that span of time, I worked on getting rid of anything that reminded me of that old life. Some pieces of furniture or appliance stayed, but that was only because I didn’t want to spend for a complete household makeover. What counts is that our moving out commences the more tedious process of moving on to rebuild our lives.

What Oprah Knows For Sure

(I do not own this piece. The link is found at the end of the article.)

WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE

I am more aware of time now than I have ever been. Something about turning 50 does that to you, I guess.

I feel an almost primal awareness in the core of myself that there's a finite amount of time left, and that feeling permeates everything I do and dictates how I react in every moment. I'm more conscious and appreciative of every experience, every awakening (gee, I'm still here; I get another chance today to get it right). I try to take them all in, even the negative ones, and see how they relate back to something I created: I believe nothing is happening out of order with yourself.

I take the time, even if it's only one minute in the morning, to breathe slowly and let myself feel the connection to all other breathing and vibrating energies in this world and beyond. I have found that recognizing your relationship to infinity makes the finite more palatable.

What I know for sure is that how you spend your time defines who you are.

I try not to waste time—because I don't want to waste myself. I'm working on not letting people with dark energy consume any of my time. I've learned that the hard way, after giving up hours of myself and my time, which are synonymous when you think about it. I've learned from my experiences of getting sucked into other people's ego dysfunction that their darkness casts a shadow on the light you need to be for yourself and for others.

What I know for sure is that giving yourself time to just be and not do is essential to fulfilling your mission as a human being. I give myself Sundays. Sometimes I spend the whole day in my pajamas, sometimes I have church under the trees communing with nature…most times I just do nothing—piddling, I call it—and let my brain and body decompress from six days of nonstop mental bombardment. If I didn't do that, I would implode, literally, in a crazy psychic breakdown. And whenever I've slipped up and missed a Sunday, I've noticed a definite change in my disposition for the rest of the week. I know for sure that you cannot give and give and give to everybody else and not give back to yourself. You will end up empty, or at best less than what you can be for yourself and your family and your work. Replenish the well of yourself, for yourself first. And if you think there's no time to do that, what you're really saying is, "I have no life to give to or live for myself." And if you have no life to live for yourself, then why are you here?


http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200404/omag_200404_mission.jhtml

In the madness of everyday existence, the retreat into quiet solitude is when the moment's troubles stop. Tearing through to-do lists and the next day's resolutions, the mind becomes stilled upon reaching the nest of memories. Be it of pleasure or pain, the revisited experience echoes life's lessons.

The voice from our past, whether our own or that of our mentor, is what keeps us steady. And coming back to the present, we become settled with the world once again.

On Saving Time

Lesson Learned: making a trip to the bank for a single transaction, then waiting for customer service assistance of your mobile phone company, lining up to pay for your store card bill, and then going to the bookstore to get an item that's needed TOMORROW by your kid will certainly eat up half of your productive time.

A Quote by Joe Girard

In Memory of a Dear Friend

My mind is still trying to grapple with the disturbing news from the message that I received this morning: a dear friend "suddenly passed away last Saturday night, the 11th of June."

I scanned the dates on the exchange of messages we made. On the 6th of June, a greeting sent to my mobile asking me how my weekend was going, to which I replied that I'll catch up when I go online next time. On the 31st of May, a message on FB where he remarked how great the summer weather was at 22 degrees C. On the 27th of May, an archived chat convo on YM, of how he was just working on a DIY project with his brother-in-law.

Detailed in the messages still saved on FB, Gmail, YM chat, we talked about a myriad number of things, both the mundane and tragic parts of the separate lives we lived since we last saw each other more than 20 years ago when we were in high school.

From across the globe, he found me on FB first, tentatively commenting on some of my posts, where he learned about the difficulty of my marriage falling apart. I learned soon after that he had gone through something similar. Consequently, our respective misfortunes became the common ground on which we gradually re-established a friendship. The things we shared with each other were lessons learned from hurts, wisdom gained in our personal challenges as parents, and insights on the importance of having unwavering faith in God.

In the eight months that we were able to catch up on each other, he was hoping that things would take on a rosier turn and we'd eventually become more than friends. That is, to pick up where we left, where once upon a time in our teenage lives, we were each other's 'first love'.

"Who knows?" was his often-asked question. I could count a number of practical reasons why I wasn't keen on taking that direction. One of them was my need for a person to trust, who, knowing my history, could act as a ballast in the midst of my still unsettled storms in life. Even at this time of writing, I was not entertaining the idea of a second marriage.

He had a plan underway for me to visit his country at the end of the year. Admittedly, an "iffy" arrangement, but one that would, more than likely, make that often-asked question easier to answer.

In a carefully composed email, I gave him my honest opinion on the matter, though I can never tell how disappointed he might have been as a result. Weeks passed before he replied, and upon doing so he explained that there was a family crisis that prevented him from responding back.

My honesty might have slighted his feelings, but at least I was happy to be communicating with him once again. There was no more asking of "Who knows?"; probably it had to be temporarily set aside in light of other matters. I felt relieved that we regained the familiar, straightforward --- yet considerate --- and sometimes humorous tone our still-distant and voiceless communication carried.

Today, all of that changed.

The shock suspended any real emotional reaction. The only time I felt the sting of tears was when I started to use the past tense when I referred to my friend in an email message. The awareness that he would no longer be online leaves this hollow feeling deep inside.

We may have closed the gaps in time and in our memories, but now, eternity just took the place of the thousands of miles covering the physical distance separating you and me, my dear friend.

Sadly, I realize that nothing can be unsaid, undone, uncovered, once one reaches the end. There are things in life that will remain unknown, only that death makes that reality more certain.