Thoughts That Once Went Through My Mind At The End of the Day

Anger. Anguish. Self-doubt. A bit of Hope...Then the cycle repeats itself.

I must be in some sort of time warp. When I think back to when this madness started, it felt like it was just days ago. Feeling the grip of both shock and disbelief, the searing pain of my heart ripping, the burden of shame and self-loathing, then the temporary relief of apathy.

Twelve years ago, I went through the loss of our first child. Though I may have come to terms with it, the pain could still be felt.

In dreams, I look for that angel's face. I'd call out his name while in tears.

About twelve weeks ago, I went through the loss of a husband.

The husband I once knew was lost to this angry, vindictive, foul-mouthed, adulterer who abandoned the family that he once belonged to. Though the loss was not physical, it might as well have been, for I bear the brunt of his hatred. He has wished even for my own death. And in understanding where that hatred stems from, I realize that it is from an inability to believe that I could still love him despite what we've gone through. And at its core, the immobilizing poverty of a damaged self-esteem.

The enemy I now face bears the visage and the name of the person who went missing from my life, this person who I fear will not be coming back.

And just like with my baby, whom God gave wings to, I look for his face in my dreams, call out his name while in tears. And my heart keeps searching, waiting, and praying.

Searching for reasons to restore our failed marriage.

Waiting for a message from him, wishing to give it another try.

And praying that he would begin to heal from within.

We once made a vow and shared some hopes that we could build our dreams upon, and throughout the years we managed to weather life's numerous demands and challenges.We were blessed with a daughter that constantly brought us joy. But even this other angel was not reason enough for him to keep fighting.

There are many memories that I dwell on to remind myself that those twelve years were not lived in vain. Every happy moment, smile, laughter, embrace, from the successes we shared, all stand in the way of my ability to erase him forever.

I was once told that, as the wife, I would not need to worry, because at the end of the day, he would need to find me when he tries to find his way home. Though hollow as this thought may seem, it's the one thing that stands out from the rest of otherwise obsessive thoughts.

Anger. Anguish. Self-doubt. Once in a while, a bit of Hope...Then the cycle repeats itself.