A FATHER who tells his 8-year old only daughter that he already has a girlfriend just weeks after breaking up with his estranged wife does not know just what psychological damage he is causing her.
Nor does he know how her longing for his presence would soon be replaced by distrust because of the numerous promises that he has already broken.
My husband failed to show up for my daughter’s voice lesson recital early in December. He had no idea that his daughter was anxiously searching for his face in the crowd all afternoon.
The Christmas break that followed gave very little opportunity for him to spend quality time for her, despite my prodding. Our little family spent a quiet New Year’s Eve celebration at home together, highlighted by the sheer joy of watching her overcome her initial fear of handling some sparklers. When morning came, I was dismayed when he got ready to leave again once again. When was he ever going to spend time with her now that only a few days were left before school resumed? The angry reply that I got was that he would do it when it’s convenient, and not whenever I would so dictate it. Speaking to our daughter, he explained that I didn’t love him anymore. The remainder of New Year’s Day was spent in tears. Right away, I longed for the newly started 2010 to be over.
“When is daddy coming home?” is frequently asked by my daughter. To help her reach him, I gave her a cell phone. She sent him a message when he failed to come home as promised one Saturday, “Daddy, be here now.” I saw her struggle to type the words, because she was not familiar with such a gadget. His reply came back, saying that mommy should realize all of her mistakes and to be sorry for what she had done.
I texted right back, asking why he couldn’t believe that it was our daughter who actually sent that message? Disgusted that he even had the nerve to think that I was trying to manipulate him, I stressed that if all he does is focus on my faults such that he could not say anything uplifting to her, then he would be not be receiving any message from that number. Shortly, he called our house phone and spoke directly to her. Whatever he said only left my daughter crying.
And so, crying has become common for my daughter whenever she was on the phone with her father. When I wasn’t sure of what to pray for anymore, I asked her one night to pray on our behalf, her father and me. My own tears poured out when I held her as she tearfully asked God, “Lord, help my mommy and daddy to be good...please...” Hearing her sobs only made me decide not to allow her to see me cry around her any longer.
To be honest, I don’t know of any other way to comfort her but to tell her “Mommy still loves your daddy. And right now, we need God to help us because we could not solve our problems on our own.” Neither do I know of any other way to explain, that why, for the fourth time, my husband did not arrive on the day he said he would be coming home. By this time, I had opted not to have our helper tell her in case he calls to say that he planned on seeing her. I thought I’d spare her from anticipating that he would be walking through the door ready to immerse her in his undivided attention. So far, the supposed “quality time” he spoke of came to mean arriving the following day, gathering his personal belongings, and then leaving her with yet another promise to see her on the next weekend.
THIS AFTERNOON, my daughter was berating me for arguing with her dad just two nights ago. Had the idea planted by her father finally taken root in her innocent mind, that the reason he walked out on us was that I was I did not love him anymore?
Right before I left for work (my work schedule shifted to the evening), a phone call came for my daughter. My husband explained that he was feeling too dizzy and so he couldn’t make it that afternoon (his usual excuse was that he had some things to finish). After a few exchanges, my daughter echoed in puzzlement what she heard him say, “You have a girlfriend?” I hastily scribbled a line and then showed it to her. “What’s her name?” Apparently, he refused to name this “diversion” that he was seeing.
We went upstairs to the bedroom. With a forlorn expression, she relayed the brief conversation they had. I asked about the girlfriend part. “Do you think it was right for Daddy to do that?” She weakly shook her head, eyes reddening with the tears that were about to fall. After offering some motherly comfort, I told her I’d go downstairs so she could pray, adding that whenever her father mentions the subject one more time, she must respond by saying, “I don’t want to talk about that.” As an afterthought, I gave her a spiral notebook to use as a diary, explaining that every time she felt sad (or anything else she felt for that matter) she would write it down. I had to help her find an outlet to express the sorrow caused by her father's absence.
A prayer, a diary, the repeated assurance that this 8-year old daughter will always be loved by her parents. How far could these really help to counter her slowly eroding emotional security? And what of her faith? How long will her hopes of a restored family withstand the barrage of negativity coming from her father? Will my comfort as a mother be enough for the sadness and longing crouching to overcome her?
I don’t have the answers.
I can only pray.
* * * * * * * * *
Even a little child can learn to find her voice. Coming from work the following morning, I am approached by our helper, who finds a note written by my daughter:
Dear Daddy,
Please you do not say if you merry another wife. I don’t want to have a new father. You cannot say that to me and I don’t want to hear about that. Mommy will be alone. I don’t want to have a new father and believe that of what I say. I love you.
For you and me,
(my daughter’s name)
Happy New Year, Daddy!
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