Connections With The Past

I became a member of a popular online social networking website just recently and I was surprised at how easily I was able to find old friends and acquaintances from my distant past. I have lost touch with these people long before the use of chatrooms and cellphones flourished.

Responding to "How are you?" leaves me feeling quite sure about where I should start. With the change of marital status and family roles, of home and email addresses, of jobs held, and of the personal circumstances of my life, I simply could not think of a few sentences to bridge the difference between how they knew me and how I am now. Too much history to catch up with.

Unpleasant memories have also sprung up the moment I locate a faintly familiar name. Then I'd mull over clicking "Add As Friend", because the petty misunderstandings, heartbreak, and eventually indifference, were what kept the distance between this person and me. I'd let a day or two pass, then move on to invite the recipient, deciding that I should not take offence if he or she refuses.

And finally, once I learn of how fortune has deemed others more deserving than me, that's when the sense of lack and inadequacy feeds my inner critic. Couldn't I have enjoyed a little more career success? Seen more of the world? Gain more noteworthy achievements?

Admittedly, these feelings do pass, but all together are just a twinge and disappear underneath the wave of nostalgia and the eagerness to hear happy tales.

I have lived in 7 cities in one country and 3 states in another. What goes with having changed so many addresses in a lifetime, along with packing and unpacking my possessions, is dealing with the flood of suppressed memories when the past starts to catch up with me.